The Next Step to My Journey

It's been quite a while since I've used this blog to post - almost a year actually. So much has happened between my trip to Taiwan last year and where I am at this moment in time. It took me about three months to feel like I fit back into my surroundings again. I was uncomfortable in my own skin and not sure how to jump back into the flow of life here. But, with the help of God and my wonderful family and friends, I did find my niche again and have been floating along since then.

This year, I've done a lot of growing, thinking and dealing with myself. While it has not been a cake walk, it's been a productive year in which I've learned a lot about myself and about trusting God through my inadequacies and insecurities.

In the early spring of this year, I was speaking with my instructor of Chinese Poetry at Davis and she asked if I had any interest in returning to Taiwan. Of course, I said yes. :) It just so happens that she knew of a program that was looking for international students. (what a coincidence ... NOT!) Anyhow, a few conversations and emails later, my professor passed along information to me and put me in touch with the ladies at the university. Filling out applications ensued.

When I first learned about this opportunity, I was walking on clouds. I couldn't contain my excitement at the thought of going back and the fabulous accommodations the university was willing to offer me. It took quite a while to hear back from the university about their decision. Meanwhile, I had the privilege of welcoming Alisha to the US for the first time. She came to visit me and we had a great time together. While she was here, I graduated from Davis, which was a surreal experience. My time there flew incredibly fast.

Finally I heard back from the university that I was accepted and would receive notification and important information in the mail shortly. I was pretty happy about that and anxious for the packet to arrive. And then reality sunk in, followed rather closely by fear. The university was in a totally different city that was many miles away from those I loved and the places in Taiwan that had grown to feel like home. I felt my stomach in my throat at the thought it.

For most of my summer off, I've been agonizing about this decision - to go or not to go. People would ask me what my plans were and upon learning of this new opportunity, would ask what I had decided. Friends kept asking me if I had finally made up my mind. I hated those questions. I understand it was because they care about my whereabouts and my future, but I didn't really want to think about it nor be asked about it when I felt so confused.

This last month I have been searching my heart and asking God to assure me one way or the other. I have been praying about this all along but didn't really feel good about either choice - going and potentially feeling isolated or staying home and having no plan whatsoever. Then one morning, I realized that a great deal of the emotions I was feeling stemmed from fear. I had thought my feelings of hesitation had been because going was the wrong choice for me. But then God reminded me that He has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and of a sound mind. From that moment on, my thinking on the matter changed completely. Also, I was reminded of the story of Gideon. Like Gideon, God had prepared a plan and a path for me, yet I kept asking for confirmation and peace because I was allowing my own fear and insecurities to cloud my perception and judgment.

This past Saturday morning, I officially announced to my family at the breakfast table that I had decided to return to Taiwan. I don't my announcement took any of them by surprise. ^-^ I felt pretty good about my decision, but I hadn't yet purchased a ticket.

Then last night, we had an awesome service! During prayer meeting before service, I began to thank God that He is my peace speaker and something broke in my spirit. Sometimes, I try to act tough and handle my feelings, so as to avoid transparency and vulnerability which can lead to hurt down the road. But during that prayer, I was reminded that Jesus will never embarrass me, never turn on me and He always understands me, even when I don't have the words to express myself. I am completely safe in His presence. I felt myself yielding and His strength being made perfect through my weakness. Bro. Brown's message was about being overshadowed by God and it seemed to fit my situation in an incredible way. He talked about how God may call you to a situation that you don't feel ready for, but He wants you to trust Him and be willing to place yourself into His plan. Alter service was the cherry on top, if you will. The peace that God began to give me before service was multiplied exponentially last night.

Which brings me to this present moment. This trip back to Taiwan has been personal for me as I've been discovering new things about myself that can sometimes hinder what God has in-store. It's been emotional for me as most of the time, growth means some pain and tears. Some things haven't changed. I'm still preparing to go to a city to which I have never been with people I have never met. But God hasn't changed either. He will be with me through each step of this journey and is already in Taiwan, waiting for me when I touch down in that airport.

I bought my ticket last night, (technically this morning ^-^) and am going to take care of my visa tomorrow (which is technically today ^-^) after we take Miss Froggy to the airport. Now I just need to start packing ...

P.S. Much heart-felt gratitude to each of you who have been uplifting me in prayer ~ It means more than anything.